Danger Signs in Relationships

When you begin a relationship, you only have thoughts of how great the relationship will be. You are often taken by surprise when the relationship begins to take a turn for the worse. You were not just treated poorly--you were verbally attacked or, worse, struck physically.
There may have been signs or behaviors to give you some warning the relationship was in danger.

It Begins With Jealousy

Your partner is jealous. At the beginning of your relationship, your new partner told you that jealousy is just another way to express love. Jealousy comes from possessiveness and lack of trust. Your partner is beginning to take on the role of potential batterer.
Along with jealousy comes controlling behavior. She checks up on you or has your friends and coworkers keep tabs on you. She constantly quizzes you as to where you have been, how long it took to get there, whom you spoke with and why you weren't home sooner. As the controlling behavior worsens, you may no longer have a say in what you wear or be allowed to make decisions about the house. You may begin to feel guilty for making a decision that did not include the batterer.
Quick involvement is being married or living with the batterer within six months of knowing each other. It feels like and is a whirlwind courtship. He tells you how much he loves you and how much he needs to have you in his life. You feel more loved than you have ever felt before. However, now you are living with his unrealistic expectations. There is no way you can meet all of his needs, but he doesn't seem to understand that. His expectations are for you to be a perfect wife, mother, lover and friend--all while being kept on a tight leash and being watched and controlled.

Isolation

Next comes isolation. The batterer will begin to cut off your relationships with others. He will demand you stay away from your female friends and male friends. If you are very close to your family, he will tell you that you need to separate yourself from them. You may no longer be able to access money or a car, and you may have to quit your job.

It's Not His Fault

Blaming others for his problems comes next. He will tell you that if you had done this, he wouldn't have had to do that. You will hear that if your family wasn't so controlling of your time, you would be able to make him happy. Nothing he does is his choice; his reactions are the fault of others' actions. He begins to blame others for his feelings. She makes him happy only if she does what he tells her; she is hurting him by not doing things for him. He purposely manipulates her with his feelings. He exhibits extreme mood changes. One day he is easy to be with; then, for no apparent reason he becomes angry and violent.
The batterer is easily insulted and hypersensitive. He sees everything that is not going his way as a personal attack. Everyone is out to get him. He is the one to be pitied and who is suffering the injustice.

You Are Not the Only One

You are not the only one he is cruel to, as animals and children may incur his wrath as well. They are the perfect victims--small and helpless. He may tease children and animals or discipline them harshly and unnecessarily. A child of 18 months, too young to be toilet trained, may be punished for soiling a diaper. A puppy may be harshly punished for "going" in the house when no one was home for long hours at a time.

Drastic Changes in Your Sex Life

Your sex life may have changed since you first began having intercourse. Perhaps you are now being thrown down and held by force, even though you express your dislike for the behavior. Maybe you are being asked to perform acts that are against your nature or even criminal.

It's Not Just Mean

Are you being told things by your partner that have gone past cruel to abusive? Verbal abuse is another avenue the batterer uses to control and break down your ability to stand up to her. Verbal abuse can be just as difficult to deal with as physical abuse.

Before It Gets Too Bad

The next signs to watch out for are related: past battering, threats of violence, breaking or striking objects and any use of force during an argument. More than likely, you are not the first person he has been known to batter. You may even know that he battered a previous girlfriend or wife but you were told she deserved it.
During an argument, the batterer may threaten to "break your neck" or "beat you senseless." To prove his point, he breaks a favorite object of yours or hits the wall with a bat or other object. The next step is pushing you or holding you down during an argument. You will probably be physically beaten shortly after his actions reach this point.
It is imperative to seek help at the first signs of abuse. Often a batterer will back down when he has a strong partner who demands an end to his abusive behavior. However, the probability of the batterer changing his behavior is very low.