About Friendship

In many ways, friendships are the most important relationships we have. While fate chooses our relatives, and lovers and spouses are bound by similarly deep ties, friendships are entered into more or less voluntarily and maintained solely by mutual consent. The emotional attachments tend to be less dramatic, but also deeper in many ways, and friends can often be counted on at times when lovers or family members cannot. A number of psychological theories have developed about how and why friendship forms; a few of the most prominent ones are detailed below.

Theories/Speculation

The stimulus value role theory was first posited by psychologist Bernard Murstein as a means of explaining spousal relations. But it also contains a great deal of insight into the ways that friendships are formed. It consists of three stages. The stimulus stage involves evaluating a potential friend through physical characteristics. That may mean being attracted to someone who is good-looking or charismatic, but it also means being attracted to someone of a similar age, gender, social class (clothes, demeanor, appearance) and ethnicity. The stimulus stage is then followed by the value stage, in which we evaluate friendships based on ethics and outlook toward the world. That can include religious and political beliefs, as well as chosen careers, family situations, world views and approaches to gender roles. The final and most intimate stage is the role stage, in which friends share specific activities and often divide the roles and duties of such activities between them in a mutually complimentary way.

Theories/Speculation

Another key theory about friendships and relationships is the social penetration theory, posited by Irwin Altman and Dalmas Taylor. Like stimulus value role theory, it describes several stages of friendship, but unlike that other theory, it discusses how a friendship might dissolve as well as the process by which it is created. There are five specific stages in social penetration theory, and not every friendship will go through all of them. The first is the orientation stage, where you first get to know someone and find out about his or her interests. The second is the exploratory affective stage, where we begin to let our guard down and allow the new friend a greater amount of emotional intimacy. The third is the affective stage, where the friendship is firmly established and serious issues are able to be discussed (possibly leading to conflicts or arguments). The fourth stage is the stable stage, where comfort levels are well-established, and both sides of the friendship know what to expect from each other. The final stage is dissolution, where the friendship grows apart and issues arise that outweigh the benefits of continuing the relationship.

Theories/Speculation

Many other theories have developed about why people develop friendships. Most of them center around the idea of cost-to-benefit ratio. We give our time and energy to a friend because it brings us something in return: trust, intimacy, stimulating conversation or just a strong back to help move the couch. Benjamin Franklin further hypothesized that helping other people leads to friendship as a means of justifying why we helped them. Thus, the more aid we lend to people unconditionally, the greater the chance of liking them, and the more friendships we are likely to make.

Theories/Speculation

Other theories follow common-sense notions about proximity and understanding. The propinquity effect, studied by Leon Festinger, Stanley Schachter, Kurt Back and Kurt Lewin, postulated that people we remain in close proximity to are more likely to become friends. The theorists studied neighbors living in an apartment building and found that those living on the same floor or next door to each other were more likely to become friends than those on different floors. Contact hypothesis and other diplomatic theories stress familiarity as well--the more similarities we find in a person and the greater time we spend getting to know them, the greater the likelihood of developing a friendship. Classical conditioning states that we tend to associate good feelings with those who were around us when we had them: People we have a good time with thus tend to be emotionally bound to our memories of that time and are more likely to become friends. Operant conditioning plays on a similar, though slightly more cynical notion: We tend to like people who give us tangible rewards.

Considerations

Regardless of the sociological theories involved, most people have a fairly good idea of what friendship represents. It is, above all, a relationship of equals, with camaraderie and trustworthiness springing more readily from those who we feel are peers. Open and honest communication plays a key role -- talking to each other improves intimacy -- as does the acceptance of the other person's foibles and flaws. Attending is an important value of friendship: listening without judging, validating the other person's feelings and indicating that you are available both emotionally and in terms of physical presence when the other person needs you. Friendship is built upon trust; without it, the relationship cannot function. With it, the relationship becomes mutually rewarding and can strengthen and grow into the future.