About Controlling Spouses
A controlling spouse is emotionally and psychologically harmful, potentially dangerous and very common. The most crucial factor in a relationship with a controlling spouse is recognizing the problem before it spirals out of hand. This article explains the hows and whys of controlling spouses, and illustrates how to handle one once he is spotted.
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Identification
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A controlling spouse is a person who seeks total control over every aspect of his partner's life. This type of person demands his partner divulge every detail of her absence, commonly including the presentation of proof with which to back it all up, such as vehicle odometer readings, receipts and testimonies from those who were with her. A controlling spouse will also drop in unannounced at places of work, classrooms, friends' and family members' homes to ensure he is being obeyed; and if he is not, a threat of physical harm is typically issued.
Function
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The need for total control in a relationship stems from a low self-worth and self-esteem. A controlling spouse typically suffers from delusional jealousy, which is jealousy of a partner when there is no actual infidelity or threat of such. This type of spouse constantly needs reassurance that his partner will not stray from him, hence he begins overseeing every aspect of his partner's life. His primary fear here is that his partner will go somewhere unattended and meet someone with whom she might better relate or enjoy more. With his low self-worth and self-esteem, he is certain his partner will choose the other person over him. In this instance, the spouse's control is a defensive reaction aimed at ensuring his happiness and emotional wellness by maintaining his relationship and the fidelity of his partner.
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Effects
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A relationship that has a controlling partner is doomed from the outset. The imbalance in the power of the relationship will lead to mistrust and envy from the controlling spouse's partner; and with no way to satiate his need for control and establish trust in his partner, thereby freeing her, the controlling spouse's very methods of maintaining the relationship drive it to ruin. The problem that commonly arises when a partner of a controlling spouse want out is that her very unhappiness aggravates the insecurity of the controlling spouse, thereby causing him to exert more control over his partner. The process becomes cyclical and potentially dangerous. The more control the controlling spouse obtains, the less likely he will be willing to let his partner out of the relationship.
Prevention/Solution
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Controlling spouses have commonly resorted to verbal, physical and emotional abuse. Unfortunately, these heightened means of control typically scare the victim into remaining in the relationship for fear of what may happen if she attempts to leave. The prevention of such a relationship is difficult, as the early signs of control are typically so subtle that it is too late by the time they become evident to the victim. That is why it is important to consult a friend or family member and avoid isolation.. Any person who finds herself already in a relationship with a controlling spouse or partner is urged to contact a crisis management organization such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline for crisis assistance.
Misconceptions
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You can mistake a jealous partner for a controlling spouse. Jealousy is a common aspect of any healthy relationship. It can be recognized and effectively dealt with by communication between partners. However, jealousy is also a trait of controlling partners. To tell the difference, look for other indications of a controlling spouse, such as an alarming rate of loss of control in daily decisions and a pattern of abuse (look especially for verbal and emotional abuse, as they are the most common subtle abuses) in conjunction with one another. If the distinction between the two is increasingly difficult to tell, discuss the matter with your partner. If he is elusive and/or abusive, contact a crisis management organization as soon as possible for a professional opinion.
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