About Adultery Recovery

How many married folks today have heard the old excuse "it just happened" when learning of their spouse's adulterous affair? The fact is that adultery does not "just happen." There is always some reason, whether it's personal to the adulterer (such as a mid-life crisis) or the cheating spouse is looking for something he or she is not getting in the marriage. Regardless of the reason, adultery can devastate a marriage. Many couples choose to tough it out and there are certain steps that a couple can take to recover.

Identification

Adultery is defined as a man or a woman having sex with someone other than their spouse. Biblical scholars also consider any form of premarital sex adultery. According to US laws in most states, a sex act can only be classified as adultery if both parties consent and penetration occurs. In the past only a woman could legally commit adultery. However, states that still consider adultery a crime will convict men of the same offense. Some states even charge the unmarried partner of a married man or woman with adultery.

Significance

However adultery is defined, legally or religiously, most married couples have their own ideas about it. For example, many would consider any act of intimacy, including kissing or inappropriate emotional closeness, a form of adultery. Considering that approximately 45 percent of women and 55 percent of men admit to having some form of an affair---whether emotional or physical---adultery is a significant problem in many marriages. Healing from adultery can be a complicated and sometimes impossible task for any married couple.

Effects

The spouse who is cheated on loses trust in his partner. He may also have lowered self-esteem and may begin to wonder what the other man has that he doesn't. He may feel embarrassed to tell others, even if it means he doesn't have emotional support throughout the healing process. The cheater may feel intense pressure to make up for his mistake if he wants to make the marriage work. Anger can also have an impact on either spouse.

Considerations

Once the act is discovered, it's time to make some decisions. First, you must decide whether you can stay in the marriage. Assuming that you can, it's time to begin the healing process. The first step is to determine what caused the adultery in the first place. This may include a number of reasons, but it's important to recognize that adultery is a choice that the spouse made. Blaming the other spouse for one's own infidelity is a sure ticket to divorce. Instead, recognize that the mistake was made by the cheating spouse and allow her to take responsibility for her actions. The cheating spouse must show genuine remorse for her actions and make every effort to apologize and redeem herself.

Prevention/Solution

As the couple heals from adultery there will be discussion about the affair itself, but it's important to also talk about the couple's future together. It's a good idea to consider marriage counseling . Preventing future episodes of adultery should be next on the menu. The best prevention is communication and genuine affection between spouses. Remembering why you fell in love in the first place and treating one another as valued friends and lovers is a great place to start. Avoid behaving like a single person (i.e. going to bars with single friends, etc) and remember that honesty is paramount in any marriage.

Resources

• Hope and Healing: Christian Adultery Recovery Resources
• More About Preventing Adultery