About Amish Courtship

Amish courtship is intended as a practical method to find a suitable mate. Ideally, the couple are expected to focus only on practical considerations such as work ethic and participation in the church. They also are not supposed to indulge in any physical contact whatsoever. In reality, things tend to be a bit different.

Significance

In Amish courtship, the couple spend time together and decide whether they are compatible. The partner's good qualities are taken note of--patience, humility, frugality, cooperation, work ethic and being a good church member. Amish people believe there is only one right mate for each person and that marriage is made in Heaven, and thus they do not allow divorce. This makes the courting period a vitally important time.

Features

When a boy turns 16, he is given a courting buggy so he can attend chaperoned social gatherings and meet an appropriate girl. The main event for meeting a potential partner is the Sunday evening hymn singing, when Amish teenagers from several districts get together. The boy and girl who are courting usually ride in the buggy back to the girl's home for a chance to talk in some limited privacy. They are allowed to stay up late after her parents have gone to bed.

Function

Other structured social events provide ways for young Amish men and women to meet partners and spend time together. There are Sunday afternoon gatherings and evening youth get-togethers, along with barn raisings, frolics, sports activities and picnics. The boy is allowed to escort the girl he is courting in his buggy to these events. In some communities over the past couple of generations, the rules have become a little less stringent and courting couples actually are allowed to do some limited dating on their own without feeling like they have to keep this a secret.

Considerations

One factor that may delay courtship is the Rumspringa ("running around"), when some Amish teenagers try out "English" (modern and non-Amish) ways of life--listening to the radio, going to movies, smoking cigarettes, partying and other rebellious behavior. This behavior typically is secretive and often takes place in groups who meet in town and change into "English" clothing, drink beer and perhaps even try out marijuana. Research indicates that this venture into the wilder life is not typical of most Amish teenagers, and the vast majority who do so return to the fold, are baptized, and stay with the Amish for life.

Parents typically pretend not to notice, assuming that the kids may need to get some of this curiosity out of their system before being able to fully take on the committed Amish life and faith. After Rumspringa, the boy or girl can begin serious courtship with a rational and practical point of view.

Misconceptions

The courting couple are not supposed to have any physical contact--not even kissing or holding hands. The Amish do not want the couple to be distracted by any sensual desires, and they take Biblical injunctions against lust and temptation quite seriously. In reality, kissing and light petting occurs by the courting couple frequently, and it is rationalized because the couple are not actually having sex. Amish parents typically pretend not to know, as long as sexual intimacy is not indulged in.

Although young men and women are supposed to choose a partner for practical reasons only, not everyone is so happy about this idea, and many make choices based on emotional and physical attraction as well.

A prevailing myth continues in non-Amish society that when an Amish girl reaches marriageable age, her father paints the front gate or front door blue. There is no truth to this.

Resources

• Amish courtship ideals and reality
• Information on Rumspringa
• An overview on the Amish lifestyle