About Adolescent Crushes

Adolescence brings forth many physical and mental changes. This is the period when a person makes the transition from childhood to adulthood. The brain forms new pathways, hormones begin to surge and social connections become central.
Teens develop their first crushes during this time. Parents may feel helpless, confused and frustrated as their little girl or little boy suddenly becomes a teenager and everything changes. Become educated about what is going on with your kid: the pros, the cons, what to expect and how to deal with it.

Identification

When an adolescent develops a crush, there are often accompanying behavioral changes. Parents may notice some major shifts in their child's mood and personality. A previously open and talkative boy may suddenly clam up, becoming secretive and shy. Your son or daughter may appear to be "out of it," withdrawing from interaction with the family and engaging in frequent day dreaming.
Avid interest in new subjects may appear. If a girl who previously spent all her time reading and playing on the computer suddenly develops a keen interest in professional basketball, she may have a big crush on a boy who plays at school. If a boy who never seems to care if his clothes match, suddenly buys hair gel and takes over an hour to get ready for school, he is probably attempting to catch the attention of a girl.
An adolescent may become moody and overly sensitive. One day the girl is all smiles, the next day, she acts as if the world is ending. This may be directly related to whether or not her crush saw her in the hall that day. It is important to note that some of these behavioral changes are also the warning signs of adolescent drug use.
Pay careful attention, and you should be able to tell the difference between a kid who is quiet because he is stoned, and a kid who is quiet because he is lost in thought about the object of his affection. Try not to jump to any conclusions about what is going on with the adolescent. Keep the lines of communication open and eventually, the truth will out.

The Facts

Because crushes are often short-lived, it is important not to get overly excited about anyone the adolescent chooses. Very few kids end up spending their whole lives with their first crush.
Your daughter may choose someone who is a less than desirable candidate for future son in law. Perhaps the crush isn't a great student or hasn't been raised with the same values as you tried to instill in your child.
Maybe your concerns go deeper than that. It is very common for a kid, especially a young one, to develop a crush on someone that is a completely inappropriate partner.
Many kids "fall for" a teacher, a babysitter, an older neighbor or a relative. This behavior should not be taken as irrefutable evidence of budding sexual deviancy. In these early stages of developing romantic attachments, the crush is not really about sex. It is about honing in on what the child respects and values in self and others.
Crushes are part of the larger process of development. During childhood, the most important attachment is the one the child has to the parents.
As a child enters adolescence, he begins to seek independence. He starts to form an identity and social connections seperate from the family unit. As painful as this process can be for a parent, for the child, it is a positive and vital step in becoming a sucessful adult.
Think back to when your son or daughter was a baby learning to walk. You feared that they would fall and hurt themselves but knew that this was a risk that had to be taken. Just as the baby needs the freedom to practice walking, the adolescent needs the freedom to practice being an adult.

Evolution

Dating practices change with time. Keep in mind that the way things were done when you were a kid are not necessarily the way things are done now. Perhaps your mother told you that no respectable girl calls a boy. This practice is quite common now and is in no way an indicator of the young girl's values.
The use of technology that didn't exist when you were a kid has also changed the dating landscape. Email, text messages and social networking sites have changed the way kids communicate with one another and created new types of relationships. Your son may have a "girlfriend" who he only talks to online or through text messaging.
Even kids who are used to seeing each other in person may use text messaging to ask each other out or even end the relationship. Talk to your kid to get down the dating lingo. For instance, find out what it means if she says she is "going out" with someone.
Dating is much less formal now than it was even twenty years ago. Few occasions call for dressy clothes and boys rarely show up at the door with flowers and candy. Traditional dates still happen, but it is very common for kids to go out in groups to "hang out." A group activity may function as a date, even if your son or daughter doesn't use the word.

Risk Factors

The adolescent must figure out who they are and where they fit in society. Although these thoughts are subconscious, on some level the adolescent is asking himself or herself a lot of questions. Am I the smartest? The best-looking? The most athletic? The funniest? Kids answer these questions by looking to peers, especially crushes. The crush may represent a validation of the way the adolescent sees him or herself.
Depending on who the crush is and how that person reacts to the adolescent's affections, self esteem can be affected in both positive and negative ways. The "right" crush can inspire your kid to be a better student, athlete or friend. The "wrong" crush may encourage defiance of parental authority, delinquent behavior and other harmful activities.
This may be an attempt to rebel, a curiosity about someone who is different or evidence of a deeper issue that the adolescent is dealing with. Whether the crush is a good or a bad influence, if the adolescent is rejected, be prepared to deal with bad moods, dramatic emotions and damaged self esteem.
The first broken heart is often the hardest to mend. Finally, the start of romantic attachments carries the risk of irresponsible sexual behavior. Kids who make good choices in this area are well-informed about the subject and have parents that stay involved and alert.

Misconceptions

Not all crushes lead to sexual behavior, have a meaningful and lasting impact on the adolescent's future or indicate the type of person the adolescent will choose to marry. These are all common misconceptions. Many kids who are heterosexual will at some point develop a crush on someone of the same sex.
Conversely, kids who are homosexual may express interest in people of the opposite sex. It is important to give the adolescent the space and time to figure out what he or she needs in another person.
Another misconception is that once an adolescent begins to have romantic feelings that he or she is a grown up. A kid may develop a big crush on someone but still want to play with dolls and need to crawl in bed with you during a rainstorm. Let this period of transition take its natural course.
Don't try to keep the adolescent a baby or try to make him or her grow up too fast. Perhaps the most common misconception is that kids have more control over their feelings and behavior than they choose to exert.
The adolescent's erratic, irrational and often exasperating behavior can drive a parent crazy. Try to remember that the adolescent brain is not yet fully developed. The critical thinking and decision making areas of the cerebral cortex do not fully mature until about age 19.
Furthermore, romantic love is a documented brain state that is much the same as the states of drug addiction, hunger and obsession. In this state, those same, underdeveloped critical thinking and decision making areas in the adolescent brain are shut down.
So, although an adolescent with a crush can make a parent want to tear their hair out, the kid really can't help it. Take their feelings seriously. Don't tease or attempt to embarrass them. Above all, remember that this too shall pass.